


Ride or Die

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Awkward Boners, Coming In Pants, Coming Untouched, Confusion, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dirty Talk, Face-Fucking, Introspection, Kissing, Kitchen Sex, Light Angst, Like a lot of it kind of, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Misguided Seduction Tactics, Oral Sex, Regret, Toshiya is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-01 18:09:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12710205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: When Kyo first accepted Die's offer of a ride to a barbecue at Shinya's house, he hadn't realized the offer was for a ride on the back of Die's motorcycle--nor was he prepared for how it might complicate things between them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I accept scolding for the title of this fic. This was supposed to just be nonsense where Die was attractively riding a motorcycle, but it became... somewhat more complicated.  
> Umm yeah, and so this chapter is not really action-packed or exciting, but eh. Whatever, okay, you can read it and see where it's going. *love~*

Kyo glanced up from where he was working on his laptop on the couch when the knock came on his door a few minutes after four. It was actually earlier than he’d expected Die to get there, given his tendency to run late, and Kyo hadn’t totally finished getting ready.

Nonetheless he set his laptop aside and went to let Die in.

“Sorry I’m late,” Die said when Kyo opened the door. “I haven’t ever actually been here before, have I? Guess I got a little confused.”

Kyo shook his head. “I expected you to be later honestly. I have a couple more things to grab.”

“No worries,” Die said, stepping inside. He bent to unbuckle his boots. “I was just trying to get there on time.”

“It shouldn’t take _too_ long to get there, right?” Kyo said as he headed down the hall to grab his jacket from the bedroom.

“I don’t think so,” Die said. “It looks farther than it is, but depending on traffic…”

“Sure,” Kyo said. He hit his pockets, making sure his wallet and phone were where he expected them to be and tugged his jacket on. “I just can’t believe Shinya caved and invited us over.” He came back out of his room to find Die standing in the living room, peering curiously at a bookshelf. “See anything you like?”

Die looked over and smiled. “Mostly things I’ve never even heard of.”

“Yeah?” Kyo raised his eyebrows. “Like what? It’s all good; do you need to borrow something?”

“Not right now,” Die said, “But I might take you up on that later.”

“Yeah, please do,” Kyo said. “Should we get going?”

Die nodded and pushed his hair back from his face. “I’m psyched to finally see Shinya’s place.”

“Shinya’s _and_ mine in one day. You’re having an exciting time of it, aren’t you?” Kyo said with a grin.

“Never before have I seen so many of my bandmates’ living quarters,” Die agreed.

“How did you get Shinya to have us over anyway? Wasn’t that your doing?” Kyo started towards the door, stopping to put on his shoes.

“Well, once he let slip that he had a barbecue he couldn’t really keep it from us much longer,” Die said. “He posts on instagram and everywhere how he parties with everyone else; it’s only fair that he party with us too.” Die got his boots back on his feet just as Kyo was snagging his keys from the hook by the door.

“Thanks again for offering me a ride,” Kyo said as he pushed the door open.

“Of course, it’s no trouble,” Die said. “I wouldn’t want you to have to try to get there on the train. It’s kind of out in the boonies.”

“I appreciate it,” Kyo said. He locked the door behind them and led the way to the elevator.

“Shinya’s never invited you over before?” Die pressed the elevator call button.

“I went to his old place, but I haven’t been over in years,” Kyo said. He scrunched his mouth up thoughtfully. “Though of course there’s a chance that he invited me and I just haven’t gone. I don’t honestly remember.”

“How do you manage to do so many collaborative projects when you’re such a recluse?” Die asked, laughing.

“A recluse?” The elevator arrived and they stepped inside. “Is that an insult? You know I’m on my way out to a barbecue at this very moment.”

“How did we even convince you to come to this?” Die wondered, leaning against the handrail. “It’s rare, isn’t it?”

“It’s not _that_ rare,” Kyo said, feeling a bit defensive. “I went to that thing for Toshiya’s birthday!”

“That was _last year_ ,” Die pointed out. “But I didn’t mean it as an attack. I just meant it’s like a treat.”

The elevator reached the street level and Kyo glared at Die. “Pretty sure you’re still making fun of me, but I’m just gonna let it go.”

“As you should, since I am so _generously_ giving you a ride to Shinya’s,” Die said with a cocky grin, and he swept out of the elevator.

Kyo followed behind to wherever Die had managed to park his car—but then Die was stopping so abruptly that Kyo nearly crashed into him. He looked around for a car and instead realized that Die had come to a halt in front of a motorcycle.

“…What is this?” Kyo said, staring as Die picked up a helmet and fitted it over his head.

“What does it look like?” Die said. He tossed the extra helmet to Kyo, who was so distracted he almost didn’t catch it.

“I thought… you said you’d drive me,” Kyo said.

“Yeah, so I will,” Die said. He checked a couple things on the bike, then swung one leg over it.

Kyo bit his lip. For some reason, he was uneasy. He'd been on a motorcycle before, years ago, but he hadn’t known that Die drove one or he might not have accepted the offer of a ride. It wasn’t that he didn’t _trust_ Die to be safe driving; it was more a matter of not trusting _himself_ riding _with_ Die. Already he was feeling his heart beating faster just looking at Die straddling the bike, his leather jacket fitting snugly across his shoulder blades as his arms stretched out to reach the handlebars. 

Die looked at Kyo over his shoulder. “What’s the holdup? Not okay on a motorcycle?”

“I—” Kyo fidgeted withe the helmet in his hands. He didn’t know how to explain his problem without seeming like he was coming onto Die, which he certainly wasn’t intending to do. There had been plenty of times in their long history of knowing each other that Kyo had noticed Die was incredibly attractive; there had even been a period a few years ago of about four months where Kyo had been pretty seriously _into_ Die, but in the end Die had started dating some girl and Kyo had sufficiently quashed that interest and moved on. He didn’t want to make Die uncomfortable, and getting something big and vibrating between his legs while Die was looking that good that close to him seemed like it was just asking for trouble. “It’s not that I think you’re a bad driver,” Kyo said awkwardly.

“Then get on,” Die said. “I think I’m safer on this than in a car to be honest.” When Kyo still hesitated, Die removed his helmet, fixing Kyo with a half-irritated, half-bemused look. “Are you scared or what?”

“That’s not really the issue. I’m… fine. It’s fine,” Kyo said finally. He pulled his helmet on and walked a little closer to the bike. Holding Die’s shoulder to steady himself, he climbed on behind Die and tried to scoot as far back as possible so he wouldn’t be all squished up against him. He got situated, holding onto the edges of the seat behind him with both hands.

“All set?” Die asked, once he had his helmet back on.

“Fine,” Kyo said again. He held his breath as the motorcycle revved to life. He couldn’t help but watch the easy, fluid way Die moved as he maneuvered out into traffic, all lithe muscles and perfectly curved spine… Already this was more of this kind of thought than he wanted to be having. 

At the first bump Die hit in the road, Kyo nearly lost his grip on the seat behind him, flailing slightly until one of Die’s hands reached back and abruptly took hold of Kyo’s wrist, bringing his arm to wrap around Die’s waist.

“What are you doing back there?” Die shouted over his shoulder. “Hold onto me!”

It was with a tremendous reluctance that Kyo finally locked his arms around Die’s middle. It felt much more secure, obviously, all tucked up against him like that, and exceedingly comfortable. He and Die seemed to fit just perfectly together—except that Die’s long and glorious hair had nowhere to go except right in Kyo’s face, so it was all he could see through his visor. In an attempt to save himself from this assault, Kyo ducked his head, pressed more against Die’s back, and focused on keeping his breathing regular, though there wasn’t honestly that much he could do about how his body would react to this situation.

Kyo had always been prone to adrenaline boners after all, and add to that how close he was fitted up against his (admittedly dead sexy) bandmate’s ass—and every bump and pothole they hit only seemed to exacerbate the problem. Kyo was clinging to Die for dear life, his hold on him probably uncomfortably tight and yet he couldn’t force himself to relax, much as he tried. He was using all his energy trying to keep his mind from wandering too far thinking about Die’s tight little ass rubbing up against him as he fit between Kyo’s legs—and yeah, it was hard enough to get off that train of thought.

Kyo wasn’t watching where they were going at all, and so there was a certain amount of surprise when the motorcycle was pulling up at an unfamiliar house a ways outside the main part of the city and coming to a stop. Kyo looked up to see Shinya coming calmly to meet them, sunglasses in place on his face.

“You had to bring this noisy thing out here?” Shinya said to Die once he got his helmet off. “I want my neighbors to think I’m respectable, you know.”

“Oh, please,” Die said. “You can’t hide what a party animal you are for long; I hardly think a loud motorcycle is going to be the deal breaker for them—or by ‘noisy thing’ did you mean Kyo?”

The grin Die flashed at Kyo wasn’t returned or even really acknowledged, since Kyo was thoroughly occupied trying to figure out how to get off the bike without being too terribly obvious about the hard-on he was sporting. He finally clambered awkwardly off, turning away from the others and barely tossing out as polite a greeting to Shinya as he could manage before he marched straight for the house. He did his best to ignore Shinya’s quiet query of “ _what’s up with him?_ ” as he walked away.

Kyo made a beeline for the bathroom and once he was locked safely inside he was able to take a piss, and get himself calmed down at least somewhat, though as he washed his hands, he was already thinking about whether he'd be able to get a ride home from someone other than Die. Maybe Toshiya wouldn’t mind…

When he emerged from the bathroom, Kyo found there were a number of people around whose names and faces were familiar, but with whom he wouldn’t particularly call himself friendly. It wasn’t surprising; Shinya did always seem to be the popular one, and he attracted all sorts. 

Back when they’d been starting out, Kyo might not have expected it. Shinya had always been quiet, and Kyo had figured he was more like Kyo himself: private and introverted, anxious in social situations—but if Shinya’s social media accounts were anything to go by, this was now hardly the case. Shinya seemed to thrive surrounded by friends and acquaintances, while Kyo could really only handle gatherings of a few people he knew well. Even this, seeing so many essentially strangers at this get-together, had Kyo’s nerves the slightest bit on edge, despite his knowledge that he wasn’t actually obligated to interact with any of them.

He started hunting for someone he recognized well enough to keep together a conversation with, and, to his relief, spotted Kaoru getting himself a beer from the cooler by the snack table.

Well, he was obviously drinking, so Kyo supposed he couldn’t ask him for a ride home, but maybe if he was taking a cab they could go together… “Hey, Kaoru,” Kyo said as he approached.

“What’s wrong?” 

Kyo hadn’t even noticed how deeply he’d been frowning. “Nothing,” he said. Then he changed his mind and decided to cut to the chase. “Or… did you know Die had a motorcycle?”

Kaoru laughed. “Yeah, that’s a fairly recent thing, huh? He sent me a picture when he first got it.”

“Yeah, so when he offered me a ride here today, I thought he still had a car.”

“He _does_ still have a car,” Kaoru said. Kyo stared at him in confusion and he elaborated, “I’m about 95% sure he has both. He loved that car too much to get rid of it.”

“Then why the fuck did he just drive me all the way out here on the back of his bike?” Kyo hissed.

Kaoru nearly choked on his beer. “He brought you on his bike?? Christ.” Kaoru rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “You might not want to hear this, but he could have been making a pass at you.”

Kyo’s face twisted in disbelief. “Are you joking? How would that even—”

“Maybe he wanted you to see him driving it so he could look cool. Maybe he wanted you close to him.” Kaoru gave him a pointed look. “Come on, I can’t be the only one who’s seen how he looks at you during rehearsal.”

“Of the two of us, I’d say you absolutely are,” Kyo said, nowhere near as amused as Kaoru looked. He wasn’t going to buy into that as any kind of excuse just yet.

He hung out by the snack table a while longer, sipping at a Coca Cola, trying to distract himself by talking idly to Kaoru. He was sure Kaoru had to be wrong. There was no way that was Die’s motivation for getting Kyo on his motorcycle. Like, okay, it made some kind of warped sense, but wasn’t it just too weird?

Eventually, he gave up on trying not to focus on the idea since he was obviously just focusing on it anyway, and he decided to go look for Toshiya in case he could offer him a ride.

Coming outside, he saw Die was over talking to Shinya and a group including Aki from SID and that young actor with the interesting face, whose name Kyo could never remember. Shinya had so many friends. No matter how many collaborations Kyo worked on, Shinya seemed to be this constant reminder that he _could_ be friendly with a lot _more_ people if he was just nicer and prettier and maybe a bit less outspoken. And maybe if he went out drinking more. He tried not to catch Die’s eye as he skirted past their cluster in search of Toshiya. He was only feeling increasingly awkward and didn’t want to talk to Die until he had his own thoughts a bit more sorted out.

Kyo finally found Toshiya on the other side of the patio, lounging in the sun and half-heartedly holding a conversation about fashion with someone Kyo didn’t know. Kyo waved as he came over and Toshiya looked up, smiling at him.

“Kyo! Come, join us, sit!” Toshiya said, gesturing to the deck chair next to him.

Kyo inclined his head and sat as instructed. Toshiya introduced the stranger as Azumi, and Kyo discovered, after talking to the both of them for a while, that she was not unpleasant company. She had some experience in the fashion industry, and a number of really good ideas. Kyo made sure he got her contact information before she excused herself to get another drink and mingle around.

Toshiya was still beaming at Kyo once Azumi left. “Look at you, bein’ all social,” he said. “Gonna call her later?”

“Probably email,” Kyo said, not really paying attention. Then he noticed the way Toshiya’s eyebrows were waggling and he paused, setting down his mostly empty drink on the small table between them. “Wait, what? No, not like that.”

“Why not?” Toshiya asked. “She’s cute!”

Kyo frowned. She _was_ cute, and they had at least some common interests. Maybe he _should_ call her. Maybe that was what she would expect after he’d wanted her info. Had she been flirting the whole time and he’d just been oblivious to it? Admittedly he was pretty distracted at the moment. He wasn’t disinterested in women or anything; he just wasn’t looking at anyone right now, and no, Die definitely didn’t count, because he just didn’t. Kyo wasn’t looking at him. The circumstances were all kind of murky.

“You didn’t think she was cute?” Toshiya looked honestly confused.

“No, yeah, sure,” Kyo said. “I just wasn’t…” He shrugged.

“Something up?”

“No. Maybe.” This was just going to be this kind of day, wasn’t it? “Hey, were you driving back tonight?”

“Yeah, why?” Toshiya asked.

“I just wondered if I could get a ride with you,” Kyo said.

“Why, how’d you get here?”

“Uh, with Die,” Kyo said vaguely.

“And he’s getting drunk or what?”

“Er, no, not as far as I know,” Kyo said, clasping his hands together between his knees.

Something unexpected crossed Toshiya’s face and his mouth made a little “o”. “Did he try to put some moves on you?”

“I—what?! Moves?” Kyo flailed a bit. “No! No, no moves.”

“Good, ‘cause I was kind of worried he was gonna try that motorcycle thing on you,” Toshiya said, rolling his eyes.

Kyo was pretty sure he could _feel_ the color drain from his face.

“Oh, my god, he didn’t,” Toshiya said.

“Can you explain what you know that I don’t, please?” Kyo said, hoping his voice didn’t sound quite as high-pitched to Toshiya’s ears as it did to his own.

“Shit, okay, so,” Toshiya paused guiltily before shaking his head and continuing. “Right, well, Die has a thing for you—you know that much, yeah?”

“Everyone today seems to think I should have, but you know, it’s actually news to me,” Kyo said.

“Oh. Whoops,” Toshiya said with a grimace. “Okay, I don’t know how you missed that but whatever, it’s a thing. So he’s always pitching these convoluted, like, schemes to me, how he’s going to confess to you or use one of his seduction tactics…”

“Jesus,” Kyo said, covering his face with his hands.

“And I _always_ tell him it’s a bad idea!” Toshiya said.

“Yeah, well, thanks for that.”

“Lot of good it’s done apparently,” Toshiya said. “He was convinced that if he could get you on the motorcycle with him, he would absolutely be able to win you over. I guess because he would be so irresistibly hot?” Toshiya paused and Kyo saw his little considering look before he said, “Which, to be fair, he does look pretty damn good on a motorcycle—I mean, who doesn’t?”

Kyo made a strangled noise that he mant to be a laugh.

“Was he wearing the leather jacket and everything?” Toshiya asked.

Kyo nodded.

“Yeah,” Toshiya said. “No lie, he really works that look.”

“Not really helpful right now,” Kyo said unhappily.

“Sorry, sorry! Or well, what do you want me to do exactly?” Toshiya said.

“Advise me,” Kyo said. “How am I supposed to respond to this?”

“Um, I mean,” Toshiya narrowed his eyes at Kyo. “Like, are you interested?”

“I… could be,” Kyo said, quietly enough that he wasn’t sure at first whether Toshiya had heard him.

“The motorcycle thing _worked_?” Toshiya said, significantly louder. “Oh, that is hilarious.”

Kyo glowered at him. “You’re seriously having a laugh at me right now?”

“Only somewhat,” Toshiya said. “But you know, I think you should go for it!”

“Go for it,” Kyo repeated. “I have no idea how to do that. It’s _Die_.”

“Yeah, so you know him already. You know what you have in common, maybe you trust him at least a little,” Toshiya said, looking less sure about that last part.

“No, that’s true, I do,” Kyo said. “But I’m… awkward. And how am I meant to show him that his seduction tactic, however misguided, actually was kind of effective?”

“Well, for one thing, maybe stop trying to get a ride home with someone else,” Toshiya said. “And stop avoiding eye contact with him.” He raised an eyebrow and Kyo felt a pang of irritation for how easy he apparently was to read.

“Fine,” Kyo said. “I still don’t know how anything will go from there, but I’ll just try to… see if he makes any more moves, I guess.” He stood up from the chair, pulling a little at the short hair at the back of his head and muttering, “This is so weird.”

Toshiya shrugged, grinning. “I think it’s cute! Love blossoming right before my eyes!”

“Hardly,” Kyo said skeptically.

“We’ll see,” Toshiya sang, lounging back in his chair.

With no small amount of trepidation, Kyo made his way back over towards where he’d seen Die before. The crowd had dispersed so Die was only talking to that actor now, and Kyo felt an unbidden little spark of jealousy over it, though he tried to just ignore it.

“Hey there, Die,” Kyo said casually as he approached.

“Kyo! I was wondering where you’d gotten to,” Die said, his smile so open and dangerous. “Everything okay?”

“No, yeah, everything’s fine,” Kyo half-lied. But maybe everything _was_ fine; he just wasn’t that confident about it yet.

“You know Hongo Kanata, right?” Die said, gesturing to the young man he’d been talking to.

_Ah, right, that’s his name!_ Kyo thought, and promptly forgot it again. “Yes, right, hello,” Kyo said, bowing slightly.

Hongo bowed too, and then stood stiffly, looking from Die to Kyo like he had nothing to say.

Kyo didn’t really want to speak to him either, so he wasn’t really being that friendly.

Die clapped his hands together, making both Kyo and Hongo jump. “Well! This is fun.”

“Where’s Shinya?” Hongo said. “I’m going to go see if he… needs help with anything.” He nodded to Kyo and then slipped off in a hurry.

Kyo watched him go with raised eyebrows before turning back to Die. “Think I scared him away.”

“You can be intimidating,” Die said, “But honestly, that kid is just awkward as fuck; I don’t think it’s your fault.”

Kyo nodded and studied Die for a few seconds, trying to spot anything that might give away some secret attraction to him, but if he usually prided himself on being pretty perceptive, in this situation he was finding a total lack of skill in the area, and gave up, saying, “So, how’s it going? Shinya’s place everything you dreamed of?”

“Pretty much,” Die said. “Still waiting on the actual barbecue part. I think Shinya went in to get the stuff for it.”

Kyo’s stomach gurgled audibly and he wrapped a protective arm around himself. “Yeah, Icould go for a burger, definitely.”

“And you’ll get one, I’m sure,” Die said. He was smiling, but Die was kind of always smiling, wasn’t he? It was hard to take too much away from that.

Just then Shinya came back out of the house, carrying plates and a tray laden with condiments. Hongo was right behind him, carrying buns and looking distinctly uncomfortable. They crossed to the barbecue and a couple other people moved to help with the actual grilling.

Kyo was just watching from his spot in the shade from the side of the house, his sunglasses shielding him and letting him stay an observer, when Die elbowed him lightly and he glanced over.

“Can I ask you something?” Die said without really looking at him.

“Go ahead,” Kyo said, hoping it didn’t come out sounding as wary as he felt.

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” Die looked at Kyo’s face only for a second before averting his gaze again. “I should have warned you about the motorcycle.”

Kyo pursed his lips. It would be a lie to say Die _hadn’t_ made him uncomfortable, but he didn’t really want to make him feel bad about it either. Mostly he was still just confused about the whole thing.

“You were uncomfortable. Shit.” Die ran a hand through his hair. “I was just trying to throw caution to the wind and make a bold move, but it… wasn’t fair for me to put you in that position. I’m really sorry, Kyo.”

“No, it’s—stop apologizing,” Kyo said. “It’s fine. I’m not upset or something.”

“You’re not?”

“No, I’m just—I don’t get why you did it really.”

Die looked around and then nodded towards the door leading into the house before walking in that direction. 

Kyo’s confusion only grew as he followed Die inside and down a hall off the main room, out of the way of the rest of the party guests.

“I realize maybe it’s not 100% logical,” Die said quietly once they were very obviously alone, “But it seemed like a good idea to show you… that I want you.”

Kyo shook his head, lost. “How so?”

“I would get to feel you all pressed up against me?” Die made a face. “Which now I see sounds incredibly creepy and pervy, wow. But maybe I thought… I don’t know what I thought.”

“But you really did it because you _want_ me?” Kyo asked carefully.

“Yes. Um, a lot,” Die admitted, looking almost sheepish. “I really like you, Kyo. I don’t know if you’ve noticed…”

“I’m starting to get that maybe I should have,” Kyo said with a light laugh.

“But now you know,” Die said, and swallowed. “So what do you think?”

“I think… I could be fine with it,” Kyo answered.

“ _Could_ be ‘fine’ with it? Like that’s not an absurd amount of wishy-washiness?” Die said, raising an eyebrow.

“It is, isn’t it,” Kyo said with a small frown. “Okay then. You’re attractive. Today isn’t the first time I’ve thought so, and I wouldn’t turn you down if you wanted to… try something.” He shrugged and hoped he’d said enough.

What Kyo somehow wasn’t expecting was for Die to grab his shoulders and slam him back against the wall of the hallway as he kissed him forcefully. He wasn’t prepared for it at all, and it took him several stunned seconds before he was actually kissing Die back.

It wasn’t a bad kiss at all. Rather, it was the kind that stirred up a lot more in Kyo than he really knew what to do with. A minute or so passed of just this slow but hungry press of lips, Die’s tongue only barely teasing Kyo here and there, and then Kyo was clutching needfully at Die’s biceps, trying to drag him closer, wanting him to really hold him in place against the wall. How was it that Die knew so precisely how to make him fall apart?

After another couple teases of his tongue, Die pulled back, though he kept Kyo firmly where he was. “I’ve really wanted to do that,” he said with a smile.

“Why didn’t you ever say so?” Kyo wondered. He certainly wouldn’t have minded being kissed like that by Die at any point within memory.

“It seemed both impossible and too obvious,” Die said. “You know what you’re like. You have this whole magnetic sexuality thing. I’m just one of the countless guys, girls, and anyone in-between who would love to get you shoved up against a wall.”

Kyo clenched his fists at his sides, trying to maintain control as his arousal threatened to surge up and overtake him. “But you’re _you_ ,” he said, less than eloquently.

“All the more reason for it to seem impossible,” Die said. He shifted his stance so that one of his knees was between Kyo’s thighs, but the action seemed unconscious and Kyo didn’t bother stopping him. “I mean, after we’ve known each other, worked together all this time, it would be so wrong and weird for me to mess with our established dynamic.”

Kyo couldn’t deny that Die had a point with that. It was kind of miraculous that he’d been in this band with all these amazing guys this long and not really screwed things up for them by sleeping with at least one of them. There had been a couple points in their career where he had thought something spur-of-the-moment might happen with Kaoru, and it was somewhat surprising that it hadn’t—but it had also been quite intentionally avoided. Kyo had always known if something happened with Kaoru it would be hot and satisfying, but ultimately, purely physical. Much as he admired and respected Kaoru, and enjoyed time spent with him, they just didn’t mesh well enough for him to envision any lasting relationship.

He’d pictured a relationship with Die, on the other hand, many times, but filed it away as fanciful, and never going to happen, because Die didn’t swing that way.

So apparently Kyo had been pretty wrong about that.

Did that mean he wanted to try now to pursue a full monogamous relationship with Die? Was that even something Die wanted?

Before he really got the chance to ask, Kyo was being kissed again, not with quite as much force, but still insistently. He let out a soft sound that might have been a moan right against Die’s mouth, and his hips bucked towards Die without his permission. He broke the kiss with a gasp, pretty seriously embarrassed by how much he was letting this all affect him.

“Wait.” Kyo shook his head as Die leaned in to capture his lips again, determined not to let himself get any more lost in this than he already was, especially not standing in the hallway of Shinya’s house while a party went on, populated with all kinds of people Kyo did and didn’t know. “Wait, wait, just hold on,” he said, his eyes squeezed shut, mostly to keep himself from staring at Die’s perfect, barely parted lips.

Die waited.

“I know I said I wouldn’t turn you down,” Kyo said. “And I’m not. But maybe this isn’t the place.” He opened his eyes in time to see Die grin.

“To be continued?” Die said, his voice sultry in a way Kyo couldn’t remember having heard it before.

“Somewhere that isn’t Shinya’s house,” Kyo said, nodding.

“I can agree to that. I suppose other places have walls I can shove you up against.”

Kyo bit back a whine. “Do you have to say things like that?”

“Only if it turns you on,” Die said, and _winked_ before stealing one more kiss. 

When at long last Die dropped his hands and let Kyo step away from the wall, Kyo still took a few seconds before he could engage enough of his brain to trail along after Die and rejoin the party. He couldn’t help but feel that in finding out what Die was up to, he’d only let things get more complicated.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Happy official one-year anniversary since my first Dir en grey fic went up! Yikes!)  
> Now then, just uh... *sets chapter down and backs away*

Kyo was practically scowling as he followed Die back out of the house to where Shinya was serving up barbecue in the backyard, but he really was glad to get a burger, even with how much Die had thrown him off balance.

Toshiya gave Kyo a pleased, knowing look as he came and sat down by him with his food. “Everything worked out?” Toshiya said coolly.

Kyo didn’t think he’d describe the situation that way at all, since he still felt very lost as to where Die was coming from with any of this, but maybe it was okay for him to not have all the answers at this exact second as long as he had a plan to get more information (and kisses) out of Die later.

Rather than answer, he opted to just flip Toshiya off and take another bite of his burger.

The rest of the evening passed quickly. Kyo had a hard time paying much attention to anything going on around him when he kept thinking about Die’s little _To be continued_ comment. He wondered if Die was thinking about it too, if he was planning what he wanted to do with Kyo when they had a chance to be alone together later.

What kind of thing might Die like? He’d been pretty into having Kyo up against the wall; did that mean he liked being in control, wanted Kyo at his mercy? Kyo thought he could probably be fine with that. Sure, he’d originally enjoyed having Die’s ass pressed up against him, but that didn’t mean he didn’t like bottoming sometimes. Much as he put out the image of being tough and aggressive, and as headstrong as he was in his own life, Kyo wasn’t ashamed to admit he had something of a submissive streak when it came to the bedroom, and his thoughts inadvertently drifted to just how much he wouldn’t mind Die pushing him around, maybe getting a hand around his throat…

It took him almost a full minute to register Kaoru standing in front of him, trying to get his attention.

Kyo blinked rapidly, wondering just how long he’d been spacing out. “Hey! Sorry, what’s up?”

“I’m about to take off,” Kaoru said. He was looking at Kyo sort of suspiciously. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure, I’m fine,” Kyo said, and nodded.

“You found a ride home?”

“Um. I think Die’s taking me,” Kyo said, averting his eyes and trying to push the other meaning of his words out of his mind.

“Did you figure out that weirdness then?” Kaoru asked.

“I guess,” Kyo said. He hesitated and then added, “You were right, by the way.”

“About Die hitting on you?” Kaoru’s mouth twitched in amusement.

Kyo nodded again. He didn’t know how much more detail he really needed to go into with Kaoru.

“But he’s still giving you a ride home,” Kaoru said. “Should I take that to mean his interest is returned?”

“What’s it to me how you decide to take it?” Kyo said, somewhat defensively.

“Be safe,” Kaoru said with a quirked eyebrow. He squeezed Kyo’s shoulder and then left him there, sitting in his deck chair feeling exposed and embarrassed.

Belatedly, Kyo realized most of the guests had departed already. It was mostly dark in the backyard now where Kyo was sitting alone except for Shinya’s dog, who had settled beside his chair. Kyo had been so deep in thought he hadn’t even noticed everyone moving into the house, and no one had bothered to interrupt him.

The dog lifted its head curiously as Kyo got up from the chair and pulled his sunglasses off, rubbing at his eyes. “C’mon then,” Kyo said quietly, gesturing for the dog to join him as he went inside.

"There you are!” Shinya said as they came in.

“Well, yeah, no one told me the party had moved—” Kyo stopped talking as he realized Shinya had most assuredly been addressing the dog.

“You about ready to head out?” Die asked from where he was leaning against the counter. How did he manage to make something so casual look so good?

Kyo searched Die’s face and body language again for anything suggestive, trying to determine what he might be able to expect if he really did go get on the back of his bike right now, but Die still wasn’t giving anything away, and maybe, Kyo thought, he ought to give up on that tactic. “I guess, unless you wanted to stay longer.”

Shinya looked up from his dog. “Kyo, I hardly saw you the whole evening. I think I forgot you were here, actually. I don’t expect you to be.”

“I know,” Kyo said, feeling guilty that he’d technically spent more time making out with Die in the hall than he had actually interacting with Shinya at his own home. It was true that he didn’t make it to a lot of social events as often as, well, as he _should_ , and here when he’d come to one he’d spent the entire time obsessing over Die instead of being a proper guest. “I’ll make it up to you next time,” he offered.

“Yeah, Shin, when are we having another one?” Die said, moving away from the counter to throw his empty water bottle in the recycling bin. “I thought this was great.”

Shinya pursed his lips. “I suppose it wasn’t bad. We should do it again soon.”

“You didn't really think it would be bad, did you? That hurts, Shinya,” Die said, one hand on his chest. He smiled just after, looking around the kitchen. “Did you need help cleaning up?”

“No, that’s all right, but thank you. You guys go on home,” Shinya said, waving a hand.

Die nodded and went to say goodbye to the couple remaining guests. While he was over talking to Motokatsu, Kyo scanned the room and noticed he didn’t see Toshiya anywhere.

“Did Toshiya go home already?” he asked Shinya, crouching down to pet the dog again.

Shinya gave Kyo an odd look. “Yeah, he left a while ago. You two were sitting together; I saw him say goodnight to you. Are you feeling okay?”

Kyo felt the embarrassment spreading over his cheeks. “No, yeah, I’m fine. Guess my mind has just been elsewhere today.”

“I did notice that much,” Shinya said. He gathered up some disposable cups that were left on various surfaces and deposited them in a trash bag before coming back to Kyo. “I’m glad you came, even if we didn’t really talk. Don’t let Die get you into any trouble on the way home.”

“What kind of trouble would he get me into? Pfft, what are you talking about? It’s fine,” Kyo said quickly before he could shut himself up and realize that the sensible thing to do would have been laugh and agree. 

Shinya raised an eyebrow and looked Kyo up and down before shaking his head and turning to keep tidying up the kitchen. “Goodnight, Kyo, thanks for coming,” he said with a wave over his shoulder.

“Goodnight,” Kyo said. He gave the dog a final pat, and got to his feet.

Die’s timing was impeccable as he chose that moment to reappear at Kyo’s side. He nodded towards the door and Kyo followed him out, feeling like that had been some kind of theme for the day, always following Die without argument, even when he didn’t know what he was getting into.

Once their shoes were on again and they were stepping out into the night, making their way towards Die’s motorcycle, Kyo became painfully aware of how he was alone with Die again. In some desperate attempt to not get totally uncomfortable and nervous, he decided to make conversation. “How was the party?”

“Well,” Die said. “You were there.”

“How was it for _you_ then?” Kyo said. He didn’t see why Die needed to be difficult about it.

“It was good,” Die said as he got to his bike. “It’s always nice to get to see some of my friends I don’t see as often, along with those I have the pleasure of working with.”

Kyo nodded and took the helmet Die held out to him.

“And you? Seemed pretty lost in thought for a while there,” Die said, and something sparkled in his eyes, but he had his own helmet on a second later, keeping Kyo from getting anything out of his facial expressions.

“I admit, I spent most of the evening distracted.”

Die straddled the motorcycle and pulled on his gloves. “Yeah? Thinkin’ about anything good?”

“I guess I’ve yet to see,” Kyo said, and he climbed onto the back of the bike.

Die firmly positioned Kyo’s hands where he wanted them, tight on his hips, before he started the engine, and with a glance and a nod over his shoulder to Kyo, he drove off down the quiet road that would lead them back to the city.

They drove the whole way back to Kyo’s building like that, Kyo’s fingers gripping Die’s hips, almost afraid to move from where he’d been placed. He kept his head down, tucked against Die’s back, and found himself wishing he didn’t have this motorcycle helmet in the way so he could breathe in the scent of Die and his hair, let him fill his senses—though he could acknowledge this was probably a bad idea for a plethora of reasons. Die was intoxicating enough without the sensory overload.

It was so loud; the motorcycle, the wind rushing past, Kyo’s heart pounding in his ears, and possibly loudest of all, his thoughts, screaming at him that this time, with Die so tightly pressed up against him, it was because Die _wanted_ him there (something he still couldn’t totally fathom), and that there was still a promised continuation of whatever had happened in the hallway at Shinya’s house.

Or at least he was pretty sure the continuation was promised? They hadn’t discussed it again obviously, and now Die was driving Kyo home, presumably to his own apartment, and Kyo realized he really didn’t know what would happen between them next. Had Die meant for them to pick up where they’d left off tonight, or…?

Kyo had been riding with his eyes closed tightly, but he felt the change in Die’s speed and style as they approached his home, and was almost amused to find he was less excited as they finished the drive coming _home_ than he had been on the way _there_ , just because his mind had been so differently directed in its uneasy meandering.

Kyo was ready to get off the bike as soon as Die pulled up and cut the engine. When he went to pass off his helmet, Die was looking his way with his head slightly tilted, and it took him a second to figure out he was waiting for some explicit invitation up to Kyo’s place. He offered it as casually as he was able.

“You’re coming in, aren’t you?” He thought about adding something cocky about Die owing him something, a reference perhaps to the many walls in his apartment readily available for slamming him up against—but the confidence to say any such thing died in his throat as Die took off his helmet and shook out his hair, and Kyo was just left blushing and turning away to walk up to his building.

Minutes later they were in Kyo’s kitchen, because naturally, he hadn’t been able to resist offering Die some kind of refreshment. He couldn’t just be blunt about it and drag Die into his bedroom; he had to be awkward and make tea first.

“So what are you in the mood for?” Kyo asked, holding his cupboard open so Die could see the assortment of teas inside. He felt Die press up against his back and his breath caught as one of Die’s hands drifted down his side to rest on his hip. Well, it didn’t take _Die_ any time at all to take things in a sexual direction, and okay, Kyo supposed he’d really set him up for that with his question, but he still couldn’t hold back his surprised little moan as Die’s lips pressed against his neck, just below his ear, and he tipped his head to allow him better access.

Die’s hips rolled against Kyo’s ass, pushing him forward into the counter, and Kyo gasped. His hands were still holding the tea cupboard open, though the very concept of tea was about as far from his mind now as the economic system of Denmark.

“You… don’t want?” Kyo managed shakily as Die ground himself against his ass again.

“Oh, I want,” Die murmured against his ear.

“Oh, god,” Kyo said. He stood there a moment longer, his hands dropped to the countertop, and his head hanging forward, before he could get himself turned around to face Die.

Die didn’t stop him from turning, and quickly took advantage of the opportunity to start hungrily kissing Kyo’s mouth, tongue diving in without warning. His arms kept Kyo boxed in against the counter—as if he’d want to move anywhere else.

Kyo kissed back eagerly, clutching at the front of Die’s leather jacket. He couldn’t be sure if he was trying to use it to pull Die closer or if he was trying to tug it off Die’s shoulders, but either way, he couldn’t seem to let go of it. He wasn’t breathing, or if he was, it wasn’t as much as he ought to. He felt lightheaded, but he still couldn’t bring himself to break the kiss even as Die started fucking his mouth with his tongue.

With a suppressed little startled cry, Kyo finally got the wherewithal to start shoving Die’s jacket off of him, letting it fall to the kitchen floor. Underneath Die had on a tank top, leaving his arms bare for Kyo to run his hands over. 

As if not to be outdone, Die’s hands found Kyo’s belt, and Kyo stopped kissing Die long enough to gasp as Die started unbuttoning his jeans, though he was doing it slow enough to leave Kyo time to stop him if he should so choose. Die refocused his kisses moving down Kyo’s neck, lingering along his collarbone, and Kyo leaned back against the counter, trying hopelessly to catch his breath as Die lowered his zipper.

Rather than pulling Kyo’s pants down right away, Die slipped one hand into the back of them, taking a handful of Kyo’s rear end and squeezing, probably harder than was strictly necessary. Kyo couldn’t say he minded.

“You really do have the best fucking ass,” Die said lowly, his lips still traveling along Kyo’s collarbone.

“Glad you think so,” Kyo said, gripping the counter behind him with one hand.

Without warning, Die dropped down to his knees, pulling Kyo’s jeans and underwear with him, and Kyo was sure if he hadn’t had the counter there for support he would have fallen over. Die helped him to step out of the clothing and tossed it aside, looking up at Kyo with dark eyes. He slid his hands up along the backs of Kyo’s legs, making him shiver, and placed a single chaste kiss to the front of each of his thighs.

Kyo couldn’t deny having pictured Die like this before, kneeling in front of him, lips, swollen from rough kisses, mere centimeters from Kyo’s cock. He opened his mouth to say something—though he still hadn’t yet worked out what exactly—and ended up just moaning, as Die reached out and licked up the length of his cock from base to tip before getting back up to his feet.

“Tease,” Kyo said with a smirk, using Die’s shoulder to steady himself once more. He loved the feel of it under his hand, strong and shapely, and found himself wanting Die to box him in again, to keep him in place with those arms on either side of him.

“Am I? You want more?” Die pulled at Kyo’s shirt, got him to lift his arms so it could be tugged over his head. He went back to trailing kisses from Kyo’s shoulder up his neck to his jaw, his thumb rubbing over one of Kyo’s hipbones.

Kyo let out a barely audible sigh. Of course he _did_ want more. He wanted anything Die would give him and he was already backed naked up against his kitchen counter, which he thought was proof enough of that. At the same time, this was good. Die kissing him was good, Die caressing him was _good_ , and he didn’t feel like he could complain even if this was as far as it went for the night.

Die seemed to have other ideas though, because a second later, Kyo was being hoisted up, set down on the edge of the counter with Die between his legs. He peeled off his tank top, and Kyo was just starting to admire what had been offered him, running his hands reverently over smooth skin, when he noticed Die reaching into the pocket of his jeans, pulling out a condom and a small bottle of lube, and tossing them on the counter beside Kyo.

However, before Kyo could really do much beyond being amused that Die had really been so set on his motorcycle seduction tactic working that he had _brought lube with him to Shinya’s party_ , Die was pulling him forward to the very edge of the counter, pushing his thighs apart, and Kyo’s heart started hammering as if it were legitimately trying to escape the prison of his ribcage.

“Relax. Breathe,” Die said, and kissed Kyo again, sweetly, before a slick finger was pressing against his entrance. “You want me inside you, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Kyo said, more an exhalation than a voiced syllable.

There was an increase in pressure and then the finger slid in and Kyo couldn’t really think about it anymore, could only feel it, could only feel Die so close to him and yet not close enough. He was holding onto Die’s shoulders with both hands, somewhat relieved to have something so sturdy supporting him and keeping him upright.

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this,” Die said. His free hand was on Kyo’s thigh, fingers tracing lazy patterns. “Can’t believe I finally get to feel you, tight around me…” His movements were still slow, almost painfully so, and yet his gentle, teasing touches had all of Kyo’s nerves on edge, his senses heightened.

“If you’ve wanted it so long, maybe you could fucking get on with it,” Kyo said, trying to push his hips up as much as he could from this angle. He didn’t want to rush anything, but he was really starting to have his need outweigh his want. “I can take more.” He looked at Die seriously.

“I know you can,” Die said, and added another finger, though he continued moving in the same torturously slow way. “Maybe I was just enjoying playing with you.”

“There will be other times for that.” Kyo only realized exactly what he’d said after the words had left his mouth. It was true, though, he was sure. He wanted this with Die again and again, wanted to keep Die close to him.

Die made some small throaty sound that Kyo’s cock responded to directly, and then he was licking the shell of Kyo’s ear, staying there as he spoke, “Mm, someday I’ll really take my time with you.” He thrust his fingers in deep, though he still wasn’t moving quickly. “Gonna work you open nice and slow with my tongue.” 

A third finger joined the others and Kyo gasped, his eyes falling closed. 

“Think you’d like that?” Die asked, still just breath against Kyo’s ear, though Kyo thought he could hear a smile in it now. “Bending over, having me eat your ass till you’re screaming, begging me to fuck you?”

Kyo’s nails dug into Die’s skin. He tried to force some response out of his mouth, but was stuck on the mental image Die had provided, only managing a broken sort of, “ _Yes_ ,” when Die’s fingers inside him grazed his prostate. 

“Say it,” Die hissed. “Tell me how much you want me tonguing your asshole.”

“I… I want it.” Kyo squeezed his eyes shut tighter, squirmed as he tried to get Die closer to him. Barely audible, he added, “Want you—to eat me…”

He felt Die chuckling against his skin. “Look at you. Look how hard you are.”

Kyo had to fight to get his eyes open so he could look down between them at his cock, rock-hard and leaking, making it utterly impossible for him to deny in the slightest how affected he was by Die’s… well, everything.

“Touch yourself.” Die rested his forehead against Kyo’s, so they could both watch as Kyotentatively moved one hand to wrap around his cock. Before he could start stroking, Die cut him off, “Don’t move. Just hold still, like this.”

Kyo tried not to whimper, still staring, as Die had instructed, at his own erection. Knowing that Die was staring at it too excited Kyo in a way that he couldn’t have put into words if he’d tried, and he found himself just waiting for Die’s next command.

“Fuck, Kyo,” Die said, moving his fingers in and out of Kyo a bit more harshly. “You look so fuckin’ hot with your hand on your dick… I don’t even know how many times I’ve imagined you like this, but the real thing is so much fucking better.” His other hand tightened its grip on Kyo’s thigh, pushed it up and out more, on the verge of uncomfortable.

Pre-cum was dripping over Kyo’s fingers again, and he pulled Die down, kissing him desperately in an effort to keep himself from completely falling apart. He hadn’t ever put much thought into how Die would act during sex, and hadn’t counted on his dirty mouth being the death of him. At the same time he wanted him to keep talking, needed to know what else he was thinking while he had him bent utterly to his will in this way.

Kyo broke the kiss, wet his lips and whispered, “You think about me? Touching myself?”

“I’ve tried not to,” Die said. “I know I shouldn’t, we work together and it’s—but god, I can’t even help it.” He leaned closer, speaking against Kyo’s ear again. “Nothing gets me harder faster than thinking of you giving yourself pleasure, stroking yourself off, your own fingers in your ass…”

Kyo’s cock throbbed in his hand and Die, close enough to feel it, moaned softly. 

“Rather have something else in my ass,” Kyo said pointedly.

To Kyo’s relief, Die cursed under his breath and pulled his fingers free, wiping his hand on his jeans before he started to unbuckle his belt.

Kyo squeezed his own cock a bit tighter as he watched Die’s pants opening, saw the wet spot his erection had made on the material of his boxer briefs. He had the passing thought that he wanted to taste Die, to have that salt and bitterness on his tongue—but then Die’s cock was out and hard and he was rolling a condom over it before Kyo even had a chance to memorize it.

Die kissed him again, long and slow, as if they weren’t in a hurry to do anything else, as if Kyo’s thighs weren’t already trembling with need, and Kyo couldn’t find it in himself to mind. There was perfection in those lips against his, and he wanted it to last forever just as much as he wanted Die filling him.

But then Die wasn’t making him wait anymore, he was just pulling him forward on the counter, lining himself up and thrusting in, sheathing his length in Kyo’s willing body, forcing a strained cry from him.

“Ohh, fuck, _Kyo_ , fuck, you feel… amazing,” Die said, his head tipping forward to rest against Kyo’s shoulder as he caught his breath.

Kyo found himself hoping that Die wouldn’t stop talking the entire time he was fucking him. He’d had plenty of great sex that was quiet and emotional, but the freedom with which Die was sharing his thoughts was heightening everything for Kyo and he fisted his hand in Die’s hair, tugging slightly as he said, “You, too. Now, fuck me.” It wasn’t much, but he hoped his words might encourage Die to continue his as well.

Surprisingly, instead of starting to properly pull out and thrust back in, Die just reached for Kyo’s hand still on his cock, pried it away and brought it to his lips. He licked it clean in such an erotic way that Kyo thought he must have legitimately _studied_ pornography in order to have come up with those particular flicks of his tongue. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” Die said, and Kyo couldn’t understand why he would be teasing him at this point, when he was already inside him.

Nodding vehemently, Kyo tried to reclaim his hand, but Die kept a firm grasp on his wrist. “I’m sure, Die. Please.”

That had Die smiling, but like some kind of sadist he just started slowly pulling back, until he’d actually pulled all the way out of Kyo. “Again.”

Kyo swallowed. “Please.”

“What’s your rush?” Die asked. He let go of Kyo’s hand, but as Kyo tried to move it back to his cock Die stopped him, shaking his head. “Don’t touch yourself. I want to be the one to make you cum.”

Kyo couldn’t stop the whine that came out of him. “Please,” he said again.

How many times in his life had Kyo seen Die smile? There was no way he could ever have kept count, and yet this one was different from any other: this was a smile taken from the face of the devil himself. Kyo couldn’t even wonder what he’d gotten himself into, already too far into needing anything Die would give him, shuddering as Die moved one hand to rub his thumb over Kyo’s nipple, circling and teasing it. 

“You’re so riled up,” Die said. The head of his cock was still nudging against Kyo’s hole, making it hard for Kyo to think of anything else. “I love seeing you like this, love feeling you…”

“ _Die._ ” Kyo yanked a little harder on Die’s hair, earning himself a startled gasp. “Fuck me, _please_ , fuck me, _fuck_ me.” He was losing patience faster than he liked to admit, but he needed Die moving _now_ , and he couldn’t get the leverage to just fuck himself on Die’s cock from their positions. “ _Fuck me_ —” and just like that Die was pushing up into him, harder than he’d even expected, and he was choking on his own air.

“Needy little bitch,” Die murmured in his ear and Kyo whimpered, unable to deny it. Die moved to bite at Kyo’s neck, thrusting in again, with just as much force, shifting Kyo on the counter every time.

Kyo reached backwards, grabbing onto the shelf of the open tea cupboard to support himself and ending up sending several boxes of tea tumbling down. His mind was a blur, all flashes of color and feeling, sparks of pain shooting up his spine with every unforgiving thrust, and he couldn’t have been tempted to stop it if someone had offered him all the Gucci in the world.

“You take my cock so well, like you were fuckin’ built for it,” Die said, both his hands on Kyo’s hips now, holding him in place as he slammed into him again and again. “Love how you feel around me, love—love _you._ ”

Kyo almost couldn’t register the words through the haze of everything else, but something in his brain still clicked, telling him to pay attention, and his grip tightened on the shelf behind him.

“Love you so much, Kyo, you don’t even—” Die exhaled sharply, shaking his head again, and moved one hand back to Kyo’s cock, starting to stroke him quickly, twisting his hand around the head.

“Oh, god, oh god, _oh god._ ” No more sound came out of Kyo even as he tried to scream, his whole body burning and quivering as he came harder than he could ever remember doing before. He heard Die’s breath catch, felt him slow his thrusts as Kyo tightened around him.

Kyo wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay sitting up, but Die just lowered his head against his shoulder once more, and thrust in only another half a dozen times before moaning in a manner that Kyo found incredibly satisfying, and finally stilling, breathing heavy for a long moment before he started to pull out.

Die took a step back, still holding Kyo with one hand while he used the other to dispose of the condom and grab a hand towel from near the sink to clean up.

As he was lowered from the counter to stand on his own two feet, Kyo became aware that his legs were not going to support him, and he let himself sink down onto the floor, waving off the concerned look on Die’s face. “I just mopped yesterday; I think it’s as good a place as any to take a rest.”

Die smiled, not the wicked devil’s smile of a few minutes earlier, but his usual goodnatured one, and offered the towel to Kyo so he could start doing up his pants. “Bed might be better.” He moved to sit down beside Kyo, leaning his back against the cabinets and pulling the smaller man towards himself. “But this works for now.”

“Mm, bed. In a minute,” Kyo said, getting comfy where he was nestled against Die’s chest. He balled up the towel and put it aside, feeling strangely at peace. After another minute he found enough voice to ask, “Did you mean what you said?”

“Hm?” Die had his lips in Kyo’s hair, and it just felt so good, so _right_ and so easy.

“About… you said you love me,” Kyo said quietly, somewhat worried that addressing the question would break the fragile dreamlike world in which he was so pleasantly huddled.

“Of course I meant it,” Die said. “I wouldn’t say something like that if I didn’t mean it.”

Kyo tipped his head down, trying to hide his smile because somehow he really _believed_ Die. “How? I mean… why me?”

“Are you kidding?”

“Just trying to understand,” Kyo said, shrugging one shoulder.

Die went quiet, his hand moving lightly up and down Kyo’s arm, and finally he said, “Because you’re different. You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met.”

Kyo frowned a little. “Well, isn’t that true about everyone?”

“What do you mean?”

“Every human being is unique,” Kyo said. “Every person is different form anyone else you’ve ever met.”

Die shook his head. “Not like you. You’re… mysterious. You say things I’ve never heard anyone say, see things in a way no one else does.”

Kyo frowned more, and squirmed so Die would loosen his hold on him. He wasn’t sure he liked what Die was saying. “I’m not mysterious.”

“You are!” Die insisted, turning to look more into Kyo’s face. “You’re unpredictable and I don’t understand how your mind works, and I’ve never known anyone so intriguing.” He smiled as he ran his thumb over Kyo’s cheekbone. “You’re like a puzzle I want to solve.”

Kyo bit down on his own tongue, trying to keep calm. He didn’t want to overreact, but something about the way Die was talking was honestly making him feel a bit sick, a kind of panic stirring inside him. “And then what?”

Die’s brow knit in confusion.

“What happens when you understand me? When you realize I’m not some fucking inscrutable toy for you to play with, I’m just a person?” Kyo kept his voice from rising, but couldn’t stop himself from shaking slightly as he moved back from Die, pushing away his hand as he tried to reach for him. “I’m not a fucking puzzle. So what happens when I lose my intrigue?”

Die was gaping at him. “Kyo…”

“I think you should go,” Kyo said. He looked away, spotted Die’s tank top where it had been discarded on the floor and tossed it to him.

“What—Kyo, hold on—”

“I’d like you to leave,” Kyo said firmly, and he stood up, grabbing his own clothing as he did so. “You can let yourself out.”

Kyo didn’t look back as he strode out of the kitchen and down the hall to his bedroom. He managed to get the bedroom door closed before he felt something breaking inside him and leaned back against the door, already too aware of how badly he’d just fucked things up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been so... preoccupied. It's bizarre. I've been sad and sick, etc, way off my game, so yeah. This chapter is a lot of kind of... repetitive, circular thinking. I'll try not to take so long with the next update.  
> I hope everyone's having a nice start to their December! And that you enjoy this chapter!  
> (If you don't, y'know, don't... bother telling me, I'll just try to do better next time, heh)

Kyo was somewhat relieved that he had a lot of sukekiyo business to deal with over the following couple of weeks, and was able to avoid seeing Die. He only had to ignore a handful of texts from him; Die apparently had the sense not to keep bombarding Kyo with messages when he didn’t get a response. At any rate, it was nice for Kyo not to have to deal with the immediate repercussions of his sort of emotional outburst, or whatever it was.

On some level, Kyo knew that his reaction had been inappropriate. If he had just not made it a Thing, then it would have been fine. Die had obviously not meant to insult him, and he knew that, but somehow it wasn’t the point.

What Die had said… it was all stuff Kyo had been told before, and it always made him uncomfortable, but to hear it as _reason_ to _love_ him? Well, that had really freaked him out.

And he knew it was his own fault. Why couldn’t he have just left it alone, accepted it without question when Die said he loved him, let them have at least that _moment_? Why couldn’t he let himself be happy?

But it couldn’t work if that was really how Die thought of him. Never. If what he loved about Kyo was the mystery, how could Kyo ever let his walls down around him? What would be left when he truly _knew_ Kyo, and whatever dark and impenetrable image Die had of him in his mind was burned away to reveal the underwhelming reality of Kyo as a sad, struggling human who never _wanted_ to be seen as anything other than what he was?

He did his best not to dwell on the whole thing while he concentrated on new songs with sukekiyo. As usual, he threw himself into the music and basically forgot the world outside of it existed in any way that could impact him.

As Kyo was always happiest when he was creating and feeling productive, his work with sukekiyo even tricked him into thinking he was in a good mood—one which was finally interrupted when he had to do a photoshoot and interview with some online music magazine one weekend.

The photoshoot was fine. Kyo had done so many over the years it was fairly routine, and he even kind of enjoyed immersing himself in whatever character they were presenting, seeing it as another type of performance. He nodded approvingly as he was shown some of the shots they got, and then after a break to remove some of the heavier makeup, he sat down to do the interview.

It was not unlike other interviews, and while Kyo was always somewhat awkward for things like this, there was nothing today particularly rubbing him the wrong way.

Until it took a turn in _that_ direction.

“It seems that Kyo-san is really a _fascinating_ type of person,” the interviewer said.

Again, it wasn’t an uncommon topic for them to touch on, and yet Kyo felt his shoulders tensing up. He offered a polite half-smile. “No, not really.”

“No, you are!” the interviewer plunged on, clearly not sensing Kyo’s discomfort. “You are always surprising fans with your next idea; it’s never something we expect.”

“Well, I would get bored trying to recreate the same thing again and again.”

“Indeed, the things you come up with have this sense of originality every time,” the interviewer said. “It’s so often dark and troubling—and yet here you are in front of me, so well-mannered and smiling—very unpredictable! Just when we think we have you figured out, there’s another mystery to unravel!”

Kyo’s practiced smile grew tighter. “I’m simply trying to express myself.”

“Still, I would think Kyo-san—the _real_ Kyo-san—would be difficult to get to know. You’re so enigmatic, those who know you personally must take great efforts to understand you!”

Kyo’s polite expression slipped a little. He greatly disliked the implication that there were multiple _false_ versions of himself which he was more likely to show than his honest form. But wasn’t that what Die had suggested as well? That after decades of friendship he still didn’t know him?

Shifting in his chair, Kyo cleared his throat and muttered, “I guess I’ve heard as much.”

It wasn’t what he should have said. He shouldn’t have let the interviewer push any of his buttons like that, and certainly he shouldn’t have been thinking about whatever had happened with Die when he was speaking to someone who was going to publicly _print_ his words.

The interviewer’s face lit up at once and she leaned in eagerly. “So in your private life you also struggle to open up to people? Has this been creating trouble with someone special in your life currently?”

He’d walked right into it, and he couldn’t very well get indignant over it now. Instead he just shook his head slightly, and said, “It’s just something I’ve heard said before.”

The interviewer clearly wanted to ask more, but at the look Kyo was giving her now she snapped her mouth shut. She moved reluctantly onto the next topic, something about sukekiyo’s upcoming tour, but her blatant disappointment was written all over her face.

Kyo made it through the rest of the interview on autopilot, his mind stuck firmly on what she had said, and how it related to Die. _Someone special in his life_ … That certainly described Die, didn’t it? He had always been special, and now his prominence as a figure in Kyo’s life had only been spotlighted by their night together.

And yet, it had been the opposite of what the interviewer had suggested. It wasn’t Kyo’s mysterious and hard-to-understand persona that had made problems with Die—it was the fact that he didn’t _have_ a persona like that. That wasn’t who he was, and it hurt somehow for Die to think of him that way.

But even if that was how he thought of him… Die had also said he _loved_ Kyo. He’d said it and Kyo had believed it, and did the justifications for such feelings really matter that much? Furthermore, did Kyo love _Die_? Were his _reasons_ for his own feelings more valid than what Die had offered under pressure?

What it came down to was Kyo’s own fear. He was scared of being loved and accepted, only to have that love and acceptance ripped away once he’d welcomed it, when Die found out Kyo wasn’t the fantasy of him he’d created. It had happened before, and he’d rather everyone knew who everyone was, going into a relationship.

Of course they’d never even fully discussed the intention of a relationship moving forward. The closest they’d come was some talk about what might happen when they had sex another time, and now Kyo had gone and sabotaged any hope of that. 

It was actually pretty unfortunate, because much as Kyo had been pleasantly distracting himself with music and not speaking to Die, he hadn’t really stopped thinking about the sex they’d had. The first couple days he couldn’t pretend not to feel the soreness of having been taken so hard. Then every time he went into the kitchen to make himself some tea he couldn’t help but remember being backed up against the counter, couldn’t keep Die’s voice out of his mind, whispering all kinds of naughty things that shouldn’t have gotten Kyo nearly as worked up as they did. He’d never had an encounter that stayed in his mind quite this vividly and he was increasingly frustrated as he had nowhere to deposit any of that energy or emotion.

Only a day after the interview, Kyo found himself at the studio, hovering outside the door to the rehearsal room trying to prepare himself for seeing Die. No matter how else it might be troubling him, he refused to let the ordeal affect him with regard to the band.

As he pushed the door open, the first person to make eye contact with him was Kaoru. Kaoru’s gaze flicked over to Die’s guitar on its stand, and then back to Kyo. He raised an eyebrow in silent question and when Kyo gave a small shake of his head, he pursed his lips and nodded once, letting the subject drop.

Toshiya’s approach was a bit more haphazard. Kyo had barely set his bag down before Toshiya was up in his face, looking at him expectantly.

Kyo didn’t feel like playing games. “What?”

“You never texted me or anything!”

“Do I usually?”

“I haven’t heard any updates at all! What happened, after Shinya’s party?” Toshiya said impatiently. “With _Die_. Did you guys…?”

Kyo sighed. It wasn’t any of Toshiya’s business, but he knew unlike Kaoru, he wouldn’t let it go so easily. “We did.”

The sound that came out of Toshiya was rather alarming—something like a suppressed squeal. “And?? How was it?”

Kyo considered the way the evening had ended, with him alone and drowning in regret. With a frown he answered, “Not so good.”

Toshiya looked like someone had just stabbed Santa Claus right in front of him. “ _Not good_?” His mouth opened and closed, and he shook his head firmly. “No. I refuse to believe it. Sex between _you_ and _Die_ wasn’t good? I just can’t accept something like that.”

Kyo looked around, since Toshiya’s voice was several notches louder than his, but Die still hadn’t come in, and everyone else was minding their own business. “That part was fine. It just… didn’t end up being a good night.”

Toshiya frowned, but understanding crossed his face. “…Just ‘fine’ though?”

Kyo rolled his eyes and let out a half-growl of frustration. “Okay, yes, it was amazing. Die was the best lay I’ve ever had, I’ve never been fucked like that in my life, and I can’t stop thinking about it, even though part of me never wants to see him again.”

Toshiya’s mouth was open in shock now, and Kyo didn’t even have to look around to know Kaoru and Shinya were staring at him too. He could visualize their facial expressions easily enough without the humiliation of actually seeing them.

After a pause, Toshiya swallowed, looking more serious. “Part of you never wants to see him again? What the hell happened that was that bad?”

Kyo glanced at the clock before sitting down, wondering how much time he had to explain his emotional state to Toshiya before Die would show up. “It was something he said.”

“What?” Toshiya sat in the chair next to him.

“Well, he said he loves me.”

Toshiya’s eyebrows shot up. “Holy shit! I mean, I knew he was into you, but…”

“That wasn’t really the problem.”

“Oh. What?”

“I think, I’d be okay with him loving me,” Kyo admitted, looking down at his hands.

“…Except?”

“He said the _reason_ he loves me is I’m so… mysterious.” Kyo looked up at Toshiya’s face and it was all confusion.

“And that’s bad.”

“It’s…” Kyo rubbed at the hair at the base of his skull. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t think he meant it in a bad way,” Toshiya said.

“I know.”

“Just that you’re cool and interesting and, y’know, not the easiest to figure out.”

“Right, but what about when I _am_ easy to figure out? What about when I share my whole self up front, what about when I’m comfortable enough to not have to hide things?” Kyo spread his hands helplessly. “When I’m that intimate with someone… If I enter into a relationship with them, it’s because I _trust_ them, I want to be able to depend on them. I can’t depend on someone if I feel like I can’t share who I _am._ What if the person Die loves… isn’t really me? I open up, and the mystery vanishes and there’s no allure anymore…”

“Kyo…” Toshiya’s eyes seemed huge, radiating all kinds of sadness and pity that Kyo didn’t want anywhere near him.

Before he could give any words to that look, the door was opening and Die was striding in, calling out greetings and looking just as good as he always did, which just felt completely unfair. His gaze only lingered on Kyo for a moment and there were too many things in his face for Kyo to read his expression well, and then Kaoru was gathering the band to talk about the recording schedule and everyone was in full professional mode.

It was good. They had a productive day, and while everyone was obviously aware of the tension between Kyo and Die, it was nothing they couldn’t work with. Kyo was relieved to think they could move past this. It had just been a fluke and now they could continue on as if it had never happened.

Except he was pretty positive that wasn’t what he wanted. From the beginning, he had been potentially interested in an actual relationship with Die, and if nothing else, Die’s confession had revealed that he might want that too. And Kyo had thrown it away, fucked everything up for the both of them. But sure, at least they could still work alongside each other.

Kyo went home angry. He’d avoided being angry most of the time since everything had happened. He'd kept himself distracted and productive and now that the situation had come back into his face, he was forced to actually confront his feelings on the matter and it turned out he was mad.

He didn’t _want_ to just let Die go. He loved Die as a friend, and maybe he _could_ be happy just keeping him as that, having everything go back to the way it had been, but knowing that Die loved him, and that the choice to not have that was on _him_ wasn’t exactly something he could be all right with. Plus, having _had_ him for just an evening, only to have him platonically from then on? He couldn’t let Die get away now that he’d know what he was missing.

He hadn’t been lying to Toshiya about the sex, after all. He’d never been so aroused or so satisfied as he had been with Die, and snippets of what Die had said to him or how he’d touched him hadn’t stopped finding their way into his thoughts, waking and dreaming both.

Even now as he came storming into his bedroom and threw his bag down on the floor, he could remember Die’s promise to shove him up against a wall and felt himself getting completely derailed by the thought. Allowing himself to dwell on the memory for even a moment had him feeling distinctly overheated, despite how his apartment seemed cold and lonesome.

He tore his jacket off and tossed it on the dresser, pacing his room restlessly. There was a definite resentment there that he hadn’t actually gotten to have Die fuck him up against any walls at all. Not that the kitchen counter had been bad (No, it hadn’t even been mediocre, it was something more along the lines of mind-blowing), but it wasn’t supposed to be the only time. There was supposed to be _more_ , he was supposed to have more chances to experience… he stopped in his tracks as he recalled just what Die had said he wanted to do to him someday when they had time. And just like that he was hard, just _thinking_ about it.

It really didn’t seem fair, that he could be so affected just remembering Die’s words, but the thought of them, of Die really _wanting_ to do those things, had Kyo shivering and starting to get his pants open. 

It had been like this every time he’d let himself think about how things had gone with Die. His thoughts always turned into an absolute haze and the next thing he knew he was fucking up into his own hand, or digging the lube out of his bedside drawer. It didn’t matter what the exact scenario was that he was imagining; he’d already lost count of how many times he’d jerked off thinking about Die since their night together.

The other day he’d imagined getting on his knees for him, having Die look down at him through long, flawless hair. He’d gotten his fingers in his mouth, thought about taking Die’s cock, _tasting_ him, while his other hand was working his own cock, and he’d cum so fast he’d ended upneeding to bring himself off again in the same session. He loved the thought of Die holding him still with both hands so he could just fuck his mouth, couldn’t help but think of what filthy things he’d say while he did it. He imagined Die praising him, commenting on how _hungry_ he was for it, and knew he’d never even try to deny it.

He also knew he shouldn’t be thinking about it at all. Every time he finished he wound up going through another spiral of self-hatred, knowing he had only himself to blame for the fact that all these fantasies were only in his mind and not playing out in real life.

Yet here he was again, just palming his cock in his underwear, thinking, not for the first time, about Die wanting to eat him out. It seemed so unfair that he didn’t get to have that, when he did _want_ it.

_Fuck_ , he wanted it.

Honestly, Kyo had never been huge on rimming in the past; he found it to be kind of overwhelming and it was hard for him to let himself be vulnerable enough, to trust someone with him in that position. As soon as Die had said it, though, Kyo had known he wouldn’t mind it with him in the slightest, and that some part of him even _craved_ it.

His arousal grew steadily as he thought how Die would bend him over, how he’d spread him with his thumbs, how he’d lick and tease and have Kyo panting in mere minutes. Kyo pushed his pants and underwear down, and stepped out of them, getting onto the bed on his knees. It ended up this way so often, with Kyo half-naked (or fully naked), his dick in his hand, and Die utterly filling his mind until he thought he would drown in him. 

The lube was in his hand before he was even really thinking about it, thinking instead how Die had said Kyo would be _screaming, begging Die to fuck him_ and he was sure that it was nothing but true. He was practically willing to start begging here and now, with no prompting whatsoever, and Die well out of earshot.

Most often, what actually got Kyo to the brink was what Die had said about thinking of Kyo pleasuring himself. It was an outrageous turn-on to know that Die thought about him jerking off. He found himself trying to recreate Die’s mental image, spreading his legs as he knelt on the bed, leaning forward as he reached back and slipped a finger into his asshole. 

Kyo tried to relax, even as everything in his body tensed and pulled. It was easier to relax when he had Die talking to him, and as he added a second finger, he could picture Die telling him just how good he was doing, how well he was taking it. He thought how Die might rub soothing circles along his lower back as he spoke, and let out a quiet sound of frustration as he realized he wanted that almost as much as he wanted the rest of it. He wanted those reassuring touches and that freely-offered affection as much as he wanted the intense and powerful sexual connection. He wanted everything that Die was, all at once.

He forced that acknowledgement down and out of his mind, putting the focus back on what he was doing, on enjoying his own touch. He positioned himself, face half-buried in his pillows, and got his free hand around his dick, not bothering to take his time with it anymore. He kept moving two fingers in and out of his ass, let out a low groan muffled against his pillow as he let himself revel in the _fullness_. He jerked himself off faster, images coming to mind unbidden, of Die doing the same thing; of Die, even now, thinking about Kyo like this, unable to help himself. 

Given how Kyo had sort of ended things between them, maybe it shouldn’t have been so arousing to think that Die would still be getting off to the thought of Kyo like this, but for Kyo, that was what intensified it far more than the actual physical sensation. Suddenly Kyo wondered whether he had gotten into this position right now to pleasure _himself_ or if it was somehow _for Die_ , and with staggering abruptness, that thought was what tipped him over the edge, had him spilling across his sheets, his whole body shuddering.

For several minutes, Kyo didn’t move, just stayed there, eyes closed as he caught his breath. He hadn’t really gotten it to level out by the time his guilt and shame came cascading down upon him, clearing away any kind of release he’d gotten and knotting everything inside him up again. He shouldn’t have been thinking about Die like that, not after his own decision to throw him out and destroy whatever chance they had together. It was selfish and it was wrong, and it only muddled his thoughts more. 

Kyo dragged himself up from his bed and to the bathroom to start cleaning up. He had to stop getting carried away like this. It didn’t matter if Die was literally the most arousing thing he could think of; he was just going to have to accept that that wasn’t something he could have anymore. Or else he’d have to take responsibility for his actions and do something about it.

With so much to ponder, Kyo opted to not think about any of it, and went to bed early.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And a million years later here is the conclusion. I meant to have it up at least in time for Die's birthday and I obviously failed, but here it is anyway. Happy Christmas Eve!! Hope everyone's having some lovely holidays!

Kyo wasn’t used to waking up to the sound of his phone ringing, and he reached for it groggily, trying three times to hit the snooze alarm before he registered that it was an incoming call. Eyes still mostly closed, he brought the phone to his ear. “H’llo?”

“Morning, Kyo!” Toshiya’s voice greeted him with audible brightness.

“The fuck?” Kyo managed eloquently.

“I’ve been thinking about your problem with Die.”

“You’ve… _You’ve_ been thinking about my problem with Die?” Kyo’s processing skills weren’t fully functional this early in the morning.

“Yes,” Toshiya said.

“So you _called_ me? On the _phone_?” This was not a regular occurrence, and Kyo couldn’t really understand what was happening.

“Well, you’d already established you weren’t going to be contacting me with updates on the situation,” Toshiya said, sounding somewhat indignant. “I had to take matters into my own hands!”

“You really didn’t,” Kyo said, rubbing his free hand over his eyes, “But, sure, fine. What have you come up with?”

“You’d be okay with Die loving you.”

“I… what?”

“That’s what you said,” Toshiya said. “You said if it weren’t for his reasoning, you would be all right with Die’s little love confession. Is that right?”

Kyo paused to think about it and then sighed. “I guess it is.”

“Have you thought about why?”

Kyo let his head fall back against the pillows. “You mean, would I be okay with it because I love him back?”

“Isn’t that why you’re upset?” Toshiya asked. “You want everything he’s offering, but you’re afraid of what the terms and conditions are.”

“I didn’t actually need you to analyze this for me, you know,” Kyo said. It wasn’t that anything Toshiya was saying was wrong or out of line, but he’d had much of this thought process already, and wasn’t finding it especially helpful to trudge through it again.

“What do you need me to do then?”

“Act normal?”

“You want to just forget the whole thing?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“I don’t even believe you,” Toshiya said without hesitation. “I saw how you were acting even back at Shinya’s house, and I’ve known you a while now.”

“Yeah, so what are you suggesting I do?” Kyo said, irritation crawling over his skin.

“Get over it,” Toshiya said plainly. “He loves you. He fucking  _loves_ you, and he knows you better than almost anyone. It’s not going to change just because you let it be true.” After a moment he added, “Just like admitting it won’t suddenly mean you love _him_ any less.”

“I don’t see why you had to actually call me on the phone at fuck o’clock in the morning for this,” Kyo grumbled.

“Oh, goodness, is it really fuck o’clock already?” Toshiya said innocently. “I’ll be late for an appointment!”

“Wh—oh fuck you.”

“Focus on Die first, and if that _really_ doesn’t work out…”

“Oh, my god, Toshiya. Seriously, stop.”

“Fine, but I hope you’ll take the time to think about what I said.”

“Believe me, I was already thinking about it before you said it,” Kyo said.

Toshiya seemed satisfied with that, and said his goodbyes, assuring Kyo before hanging up that he would be available to talk more if he wanted after Friday’s rehearsal.

Kyo just let his phone drop onto the bed and covered his face with both hands. He had until Friday’s rehearsal before he was obligated to see Die again. It would be their last full rehearsal as a band before they started focusing on recording, so it could also be Kyo’s _last_ opportunity to see Die for a while.

Sure, he supposed he could always reach out to Die and ask to meet, or try coming to the studio when Die was scheduled to record, and try to speak with him—But he knew himself well enough to know that if he had to go to any great lengths to talk to Die rather than it just occurring naturally, it would never happen. He would always be able to find some excuse to not go through with it, and much as he wasn’t proud of it, he knew in time, he would let Die slip away just due to his own fear and insecurity.

That got him all pissed off again. He wasn’t the kind of person to let his own fear keep him from doing something. He hated when other people did that, and he held himself to an even higher standard. If there was something he wanted to do or learn, he just went and did it. Why was this so much more difficult than every other time?

He actually did know the answer to that, though. All the possible, terrible outcomes for a failed attempt at a relationship with Die came rushing eagerly to the front of his mind, unrolling like a comically long scroll, and seeming to mock him for his uncanny ability to fuck up anything good he got his hands on.

He didn’t _want_ to fuck things up with Die. Out of everyone and everything, not _Die_ with whom he had such an easy trust, and who made him remember how to smile. It was only more infuriating to think he already _had_  fucked things up with him _._ So it was that that he reluctantly admitted to himself that Toshiya was right. He needed to get over it, and that probably—okay, fine, _definitely_ —meant he would have to talk things out with Die.

At least he had until Friday to work out how to do that.

In reality, Friday was a good deal sooner than he might have liked. He was busy as he always was, but constantly in the back of his mind, he was working on what he could say to Die to possibly excuse his behavior. Maybe he would say he was just… tired. Or that Shinya’s barbecue had upset his stomach. The motorcycle ride had impaired his judgment? No, that made it sound like he regretted the more… pleasurable part of the evening he spent with Die. He didn’t regret that. He wouldn’t want Die to think he did.

Surely though, he thought Die must already think that based on how Kyo had been acting. He wondered if he would ever be able to forgive himself for this whole ordeal. Even if Die forgave him, Kyo had the feeling it would take him a good whole longer to "get over it" as Toshiya had said.

Much as he tried to prepare for seeing Die on Friday, Kyo couldn’t bring himself so far as to actually rehearse conversations or plan the words he would say. Doing anything like that felt too insincere, like he was planning how best to manipulate Die, and like the words couldn’t be from his heart. He had vague ideas of what needed to be discussed. He would have to apologize, and to explain himself—without trying to make it into an excuse. He would have to confess the depth of his feelings for Die. He couldn’t be sure exactly where it would all go from there. That part might be up to how Die reacted, which was something Kyo couldn’t spend too much energy focusing on.

Kyo finally awoke on Friday utterly convinced it was Thursday. As he went through his whole workout in the morning, he felt a sense of relief that he still had one more day before he had to interact with Die. Then he looked at his phone just as he was getting into the shower and saw the date staring him in the face, shaming him for his delusion. Not only did he _not_ have another whole day, he actually had hardly an _hour_. He had to rush through his shower and getting dressed in order to catch the train that got him to the studio on time.

He wasn’t late but he felt woefully unprepared as soon as he walked in and saw Die already standing there, talking to Kaoru about something or other.

Kyo didn’t know how to approach him in the slightest. He went to pick up his microphone and then just stood there, staring at Die, rotating the mic restlessly in his hands. Die had his arms bare as he so often did, and Kyo could remember all too well the feel of those biceps when he’d been gripping them. Sure, they were a lot smaller than his own, but there was a strength hidden away, obvious when Die had lifted him onto the counter, or boxed him in against the wall. Kyo’s eyes closed and a breath shuddered out of him at the memory. That kind of thinking didn’t really help him with knowing how to talk to Die.

He opened his eyes again, set on the idea that he had to start somewhere. Microphone still clutched in his hands like a safety line, Kyo strode over to where Die and Kaoru were talking, and waited for only the smallest pause in their conversation before interjecting an awkwardly simple, “Good morning.”

Both men looked at him in surprise.

“Morning, Kyo,” Kaoru said, one eyebrow arched.

Die opened his mouth, and Kyo was certain something insulting was going to come out of it, but then it closed again and Die was nodding, an unsure smile on his face.

“How is everything?” Kyo asked. He hated it, hated smalltalk, and how performative it all felt, but he had to show somehow that he wasn’t trying to avoid Die anymore, and couldn’t think what else to say, at least not in front of Kaoru.

Die looked kind of stunned by the question, but Kaoru only took a few seconds to answer, talking generally about what he’d been doing since the last time they’d rehearsed. He politely ignored how Die and Kyo stayed staring at each other the whole time he was speaking.

The rehearsal passed by with Kyo in a kind of daze. He had his eyes on Die in the mirror most of the time, not even bothering to try and hide the fixedness with which he was looking. They worked their way through songs they were scheduled to record, and nothing terribly dramatic happened, and then it was over and equipment was being put away, and Kyo was still standing there studying Die’s reflection as he lovingly put up his guitar.

One by one, the rest of the band members started leaving. Shinya didn’t say anything, but Kyo could have sworn he _felt_ his judgment from across the room. Kaoru seemed like he was in a hurry to leave the tension between them behind, and once he was gone Toshiya only lingered long enough to catch Kyo’s eye and gesture insistently for him to call him later.

When Die and Kyo were the only ones left, Kyo made quick work of packing up his things and putting on his mask, and then crossed to Die, who seemed to be waiting for him.

“I need to talk to you,” Kyo said.

Die nodded.

With that, Kyo headed for the exit, satisfied that Die would follow him to continue their discussion. He made it all the way out of the studio and onto the sidewalk before he really even looked over to see that Die was still with him.

“Did you drive?” Kyo asked.

“No,” Die said. “Didn’t want to find parking.”

“Even for your bike?”

“Still have to park it somewhere.”

“Mm.” Kyo pushed his sunglasses up on his nose, trying to decide where he was going. At long last, he thought he’d rather talk about these things within the privacy of his own home, and he started towards the nearest subway station, Die trailing after him once more.

After a few minutes walking in silence, Die coughed quietly and said, “You wanted to talk…?”

Kyo just nodded and then sighed. “About what you said…”

“What I said?”

Kyo stopped walking to look at Die fully. “You know what you said.”

“I said… You mean about you being mysterious.” Die’s face was a combination of confusion and relief.

Kyo set his jaw and started walking again. “Yes, that.” He headed down the stairs on the next corner, down into the underground. 

“I know it upset you,” Die said.

“That’s not really what I want to talk about,” Kyo said. It was getting frustrating that already he was losing the thread of everything he wanted to say to Die.

“It isn’t?” Surprise was evident in Die’s voice. “You threw me out of your apartment over it.”

“Right, _that’s_ more what I wanted to discuss,” Kyo said.

“But you—”

“I’m sorry for how I reacted,” Kyo said. “I regret it. I…” He looked around the subway station, crowded with people, and the rest of his words died in his throat.

“I haven’t really stopped thinking about it,” Die said.

Kyo wasn’t able to focus on what Die was saying. There were too many people. He pushed his way through masses of students and salarymen, through the appropriate gate, and made his way towards the platform, not slowing in his pace to wait for Die.

“I’ve been over what I said again and again,” Die said, struggling to keep up with him. “I was worried that what really upset you was that I—” The look Kyo shot him over his shoulder cut Die off. “—Was the other thing I said.” 

“It wasn’t,” Kyo said shortly.

“But I explained it all wrong,” Die was saying as they reached the platform just as the train arrived. 

Kyo kept his eyes facing forward as he boarded, one hand automatically taking hold of an overhead loop. “I’m not… You don’t need to apologize or something,” he said. “I just felt like I should explain myself.” 

“I keep thinking of everything I said, and how I should have said it differently,” Die went on.

“It shouldn’t matter that much,” Kyo said. “I was just being a dick, and it’s not even really any of my business _why_ you… feel the way you do. Or the way you said you did.”

“Still do,” Die said hurriedly. “Definitely.” He shook his head. “But it _is_ your business, and I really was confused, I admit, when you told me to leave, especially after—” A frustrated noise came out of him.

Kyo couldn’t blame Die for his frustration. A subway car, pressed up between strangers was hardly the place for this kind of talk. “I’m sorry for confusing you,” Kyo said. “What you said—that part, not the earlier bit—I _know_ you didn’t mean it in a negative way. I know that, it just—”

“But you’re right. I know you. I _have_ known you,” Die said. “If you were actually some unknowable figure, I never would… I mean, in the first place. I couldn’t.” He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing out. “I think I had it backwards.”

“Backwards how?”

“I do think you’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met,” Die said, his eyes opening. “But maybe you’re right that everyone is. It’s just that the unique way _you_ are… is…” His eyes slanted to the side, and Kyo could tell what he wanted to say that he couldn’t get out in these surroundings.

“I understand.”

“But it’s not the _reason_ I feel that way. It’s not because I don’t know you. It’s more like… _because_ I _feel_ the way I do, that’s why I _want_ to know you.” Die tilted his head to the side, eyes narrowing. “Does that make sense?”

Kyo nodded slowly. “So not exactly that I’m mysterious, but more that your feelings mean you want to know… everything about me.” Kyo raised an eyebrow in question. It was ridiculous. Anyone eavesdropping could surely fill in the missing keywords in their conversation based on context. They shouldn’t have been talking about it here at all.

“Right,” Die said, looking somewhat relieved. “I’m sorry for how I said it.”

The car came to a stop, and Kyo glanced away to check how many more stops there were until his station. More people boarded, jostling and pushing them even closer together.

“I’m not sorry about the other part,” Die said more quietly.

Kyo was almost afraid to look back at Die now. There was a long pause. Only one more stop.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about _that_ either,” Die said.

Kyo swallowed. His mouth had gone dry. What was Die even thinking, bringing that up right now? Maybe it wasn’t what he meant, but still Kyo couldn’t bring himself to ask for clarification. He turned hesitatingly to face Die again, saw his eyes burning with some troubling sincerity. He couldn’t get his mouth to open.

“Much as I regretted how the night ended, what I’d said to you, I couldn’t even pretend to regret…” Die stopped talking, and Kyo was suddenly aware of how _close_ to him Die was standing, how he could feel his warmth, hear his breathing. In fact, all other sound had dimmed to the back of his brain, inaudible for the moment.

A melody cut through the silence and Kyo recognized it vaguely as a song he knew, taking a few seconds to process that it was the jingle signaling that they’d reached the station he always got off at. He snapped back to himself. “My stop,” he told Die, and wove his way to the door, Die following closely.

It wasn’t a terribly long walk from the station to Kyo’s apartment, and Kyo made the trip without a word, and without looking at Die. If Die wanted to talk about that aspect of their night together, okay, but he wasn’t going to open himself up to that until he was safely inside his own four walls.

Die remained quiet as well, though he didn’t back off at all with how close he was walking behind Kyo. He didn’t hang back even as he went along up to his floor and stood by waiting for him to unlock the door.

Kyo used the silence to plan to some degree what he would do once they got inside. Getting the door open, he only paused long enough to leave his shoes by the door and shove his mask into his coat pocket before heading straight for one of the bookcases in the living room. He started pulling items down almost at random until he hand an armful of media and he turned to where Die was hovering uncertainly at the edge of the room.

A few steps brought him right in front of Die and he held out the assortment of contents from his shelves. “Here.”

“I… what?” Die put out his arms, letting Kyo settle the stack there.

“You want to know me. This is a good starting point,” Kyo said.

Die smiled a little, and looked down at the pile. “I did say I wanted to borrow some things, didn’t I?”

“I trust you to return them,” Kyo said. He shrugged and said again, “I trust you.”

“Kyo, I want—”

“I still had a few more things to say,” Kyo interrupted. He took off his coat and sunglasses, walking over to put them away while he considered how to phrase the more difficult part of his confession. He came back to find Die leaning against one arm of the couch, having set everything down on the coffee table. He looked even more nervous than Kyo felt.

“I was scared by your likening me to a puzzle to be solved because I felt like once the mystery was gone, you wouldn’t want me anymore,” Kyo said as straightforwardly as possible. “Similar things have happened before, where someone realizes I’m not the image of myself they’ve worked up in their own mind and there’s no longer any appeal. If you found out ‘the real me’ is the one you’ve known all along and didn’t love me anymore, I don’t think… I couldn’t handle that.”

“I wouldn’t stop loving you,” Die said, a bewildered expression on his face. “I love who you are—nothing could change that.”

Kyo nodded, frowning at the floor as he leaned against the opposite arm of the couch from Die. “It took me a little while to understand why I was so worried about it. Probably longer than it should have, if I’m honest.” He pressed his lips together, let his tongue pass over them briefly. “From the beginning—you wanting me… It all seemed, I guess, too good to be true. And then _being_ with you, and you loving me… It was like I was looking for the catch. Trying to _make_ it fall apart. Because I—” He broke off, realizing he ought to try for eye contact during this next bit, and lifted his gaze to meet Die’s. “I love you. And I don’t think I can stand to have you if I’m just going to lose you again when you know me better. When you… know better.”

“Never,” Die said, taking hurried steps towards Kyo and then stopping just as he reached out to him. “Can I…?”

Kyo closed the distance between them, pulling Die down to kiss him, his hands cradling his face. He kissed him several times in a row before stepping back to whisper, “I was so awful. Forgive me.”

“I’d forgive you anything,” Die said, tracing Kyo’s jaw with one thumb.

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound healthy, and I hope it’s not true.”

Die snorted. “Fine then. I’ll forgive you anything we can reasonably talk out as rational adults, and for which you deserve forgiveness.”

“Oh, hmm.” Kyo made a face.

“You usually do,” Die reassured him.

“Even this time?”

“Without a doubt,” Die said, and there was that smile that Kyo had such an easy time believing.

Before he had long to look at it they were kissing each other again and it seemed like only seconds until everything careful about it had gone out the window and they were all nipping and licking and clutching at each other.

Kyo moved down Die’s neck, sucking and biting in a clumsy, unfocused way. “God, I hated myself so much for fucking it all up—” He licked a stripe up towards Die’s jaw—“Thought I wouldn’t get to kiss you again.”

“Me too,” Die said, and choked on a whine. “Fuck, I was so afraid I wouldn’t have you again.”

“Kept—thinking about you.” Kyo wasn’t even really pausing in his attentions to Die’s neck in order to speak.

“Thinking about you, wanting you—”

“Your voice has been in my head every time I’ve gotten off,” Kyo admitted, hardly more than breath against Die’s ear.

“Jesus fuck,” Die moaned, his hands gripping Kyo’s shoulders hard. “Kyo—I—Will you tell me? What you did, what you thought?”

Kyo pushed Die down onto the couch, following right after him, settling on his lap and going after his neck once more. “Thought about you, about the things you said to me…” He ground himself down against him. “And about things I want you to say.”

“Such as?” Die asked breathlessly.

“Making me beg, telling me what a dirty whore I am while you fuck my face.”

When Kyo pulled back to look at him, Die seemed a bit shocked. Kyo decided to use that distraction to go after what he had been craving, and he slid from Die’s lap down onto the floor in front of him. 

“Kyo…”

“Kept thinking how badly I wanted to taste you, to swallow you down,” Kyo went on as he unbuttoned Die’s pants. “I would cum so hard, just imagining you filling my mouth…”

“You—you want that?” Die was gripping his own thighs now, hard. His eyes closed as Kyo freed his cock and gave it a stroke.

“What do you think?” Kyo said, his lips moving along the side of Die’s cock. “You think I want it?”

Die looked down at him with pupils blown, eyes glassy. “If you want it so much, suck it, bitch.”

Kyo moaned at the words, and nearly choked in his urgency to get Die’s dick in his mouth. It was not the most skillful of blowjobs, but he made up for it with eagerness and enthusiasm. He was already impossibly hard, his cock straining in his pants just from the taste of Die finally filling his senses. 

“God, you’re desperate for it,” Die said, his voice rougher than usual. “You got off to this? Had your hand on your own cock while you thought about it?”

Kyo let out another soft moan, this one affirmative, and his hands squeezed Die’s thighs.

“I’d have loved to see that.” Die threaded his fingers through Kyo’s hair and held on. “Tell me you also got your fingers up your ass at some point?”

Kyo pulled off to answer, panting slightly. “So many times.” He ran his tongue lazily over the head of Die’s cock, lapping up precum. “When I thought about you eating me, or telling me to relax so you could open me up…”

“Fuck, yes…” Die’s grip on Kyo’s hair tightened as he yanked him back down onto his cock. “Wanna fuck you so bad, feel you so tight around me— _Fuck_ , but I don’t think I can hold out.” His hips rolled as he thrust almost carefully into Kyo’s mouth. “Gettin’ the idea that you wouldn’t mind too much, though, if I lost it right down your throat, is that right?”

Kyo dug his nails into Die’s thighs as he felt his own cock twitch. He wasn’t sure he wouldn’t cum totally untouched if Die really did shoot his load into his mouth. The thought had him whimpering pitifully even as he hollowed his cheeks, sucking harder at Die.

Die gave a breathy chuckle. “That’s what I thought. You’d probably beg me for it if I let you up for air.”

Kyo’s eyes were watering as he tried to meet Die’s gaze, hoping he could tell him everything with a look. 

Die apparently read him correctly because his control was gone in a split second, both his hands in Kyo’s hair as he fucked into his mouth with wild abandon. “Y-yes, oh _fuck_ , Kyo—”

The salty tang of Die’s cum burst over Kyo’s tongue, and Kyo tried to cry out, his fingers curling tightly in the material of Die’s pants. He swallowed several times, all too aware of how close he was himself, his cock honestly throbbing, still trapped in his clothing.

As Die gently pulled Kyo up from his knees, his zipper shifted, pressing against his erection and Kyo gasped, his body jerking. Die smirked. “You gonna cum for me now? Right in your pants?”

Kyo bit his lip, trying to keep in any more embarrassing noises as Die moved him to sprawl out on the couch by his side. He _wanted_ Die’s touch, and yet he didn’t think he would last the amount of time it would take just to get his pants open.

Die leaned over him, kissing Kyo’s neck sweetly, so _slowly_ , before whispering, “Do it. Cum for me.”

And with that, there was no hope at all of failing to follow such a command. Kyo’s hips bucked as he came with a shout, grasping at Die’s shoulders uselessly. His head slammed back against the couch cushions as his orgasm ripped through him and he felt the warmth of his cum seeping into his pants. 

It was a while before he could really think enough to open his eyes and see Die simply smiling at him, honest and soft and so affectionate it almost hurt. He tried to say Die’s name, but only a small unintelligible sound came out of him.

Die’s smile widened and he leaned in to kiss him deeply. “Gorgeous.”

“I love you,” Kyo managed against his lips.

“I love you, too,” Die said, still smiling. “But I’m guessing you’d like a shower.”

“You’ll join me, won’t you?” Kyo asked, absently caressing Die’s cheek.

“There’s nothing I’d like more,” Die assured him, and he stood, offering a hand to help Kyo stand as well.

“Good, because I’m not nearly finished with you yet.”

“I would hope not,” Die said, laughing as he followed Kyo down the hall to the bathroom. Once they were inside he surprised Kyo by pushing him abruptly up against the wall, his hand sliding down over the front of Kyo’s pants, still wet with his cum. “Just so you know, watching you lose yourself right in your pants, that worked up just from sucking me off… Pretty much a dream come true. Can’t think of much I’ve seen that’s hotter than that.” He gave Kyo’s cock a little squeeze. “But don’t worry. I have lots more dreams I’d like to see you fulfill.”

Kyo’s knees were suddenly weak, and he was clinging to Die again, worried he would collapse without holding onto him. At the same time, he felt utterly confident that Die wouldn’t let him fall. He would be there to support him even in his moments of weakness, just as Kyo would support Die through his. 

This was truly the start of something they were embarking on together, and while Kyo was still bound to be afraid to let Die see him completely vulnerable, he thought that fear was something he could face head-on, something worthwhile when Die loved him. And besides, maybe revealing more and more of himself could turn out to be pretty fun.


End file.
